Five Months
by elswa
Summary: She left a long time ago. And even though I'm sure she's moved on I'm still stuck in this horrible thing called love.
1. Chapter 1

So long. She's been gone for so damn long.

No emails. No calls. No texts. Nothing.

"Alex!" I hear my brother, Nat Wolff, call me. "Someone's on the phone for you!" Hope fills me up. I jump out of bed, hurrying to the living room where the person on the phone is waiting for me. "Hello?" I say excitedly.

"Hi, Alex!" I groan. It's my dad. "How are you? How's school?"

"I'm fine, dad. School's good."

"That's great." My dad and I continue talking for another half hour. He's on a cruise with his new girlfriend, Carla Watson. She's almost as bad as Betty.

When we say our goodbyes I put down the phone and share a look with Nat. "It wasn't her."

Nat gives me a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry, man." He says, looking at the television after those three words leave his lips. "It's just-" I start to talk, but I stop myself. I sigh instead of finishing my sentence.

"She's been gone a long time," Nat says for me, making me feel a whole lot worse now that someone's said it out loud. "I know it hurts, Al. But maybe it's time to move on." He stares at me, searching my eyes for what seems like an answer. He sighs, closing his eyes for a rest.

"She could at least call, or-"

"Email. Or text. I know, but she chooses not to. You're thirteen, Alex. It's time to start thinking about other girls again." Nat says to me. And to be honest I feel slightly annoyed at him. He's making it seem like I'm being a baby because I miss her. But I know if this were about Rosalina he'd be reacting the same way I am.

"She didn't even tell me she was going," I mumble to myself. I walk to my room slowly. I enter and shut the door behind me, going up onto my desk to grab the box I keep on the highest shelf. I take it down and place it on my bed. I take a deep breath and open it slowly.

It's still there. Even after all these months. It's still there.

I drag my hand across the handwriting on the front of the envelope. It's done in blue ink; the only kind of ink she would write in. It smells like roses; the only kind of scent she would wear. It looks neat; the only thing she would allow her stuff to be.

I pick up the envelope, holding it between my fingers; identifying how thin the letter is. It could've been so much thicker. She could've included so much more. But she didn't. And I will never understand why.

I open the envelope cautiously, not wanting to cause myself too much pain. I unfold the small piece of notebook paper the letter contains.

_'I know this irrational, but I'm leaving. It's a stupid and an immature thing for me to do. But you've caused me a great deal of pain. And it's time to forget._

_I will never stop having this feeling towards you. You're the one who keeps me up at night. You're all I think about anymore._

_It's going to be hard. I know it is. But I think it's going to be a little bit easier for you. And although I'm not sure of you're feelings towards me, I hope this change will have a smaller impact on you than it will on me._

_I won't contact you, Nat, or Rosie. So please don't expect a call. I know it'll be the hardest on you, not because you have feelings for me, but because you're my closest friend. And I'm grateful for that.'_

And that's it. That's all she left. There isn't even an, "I love you," or "I'll miss you," included. It just ends abruptly.


	2. Chapter 2

I walk into school slowly, not wanting to get there too quickly. I look around at everyone in the hallway; they're all talking, having fun, everything that you're supposed to be experiencing in middle school. If only she were here… she could solve everything.

She was so wise, even though we were the same age. She was so funny and so beautiful. She hurt me when she left. But it hurt even more when she would cry tears because of what people called her. I guess that's also why she left.

"Hey, Wolffie!" I look to my left just as Steve, one of the school jerks, shoves me against a locker. "You're girlfriend's not here to protect you anymore, remember?" His friends walk towards us. He still has me pressed up against a locker.

"She's not my girlfriend," I say softly, hoping to god he doesn't hit me once he hears it. He lifts his fist back, and he's about to throw it forward when his friend taps his shoulder. Johnnie—I think—was notifying him that there's a teacher coming. Quickly, Steve drops his grip on the collar of my shirt and walks away. His crew follows.

My heartbeat slows down, going back to it's original pace. I continue walking down the hall like it had never happened.

I got used to him shoving me against lockers, you could say. It's not exactly something to be proud of, but when you've been bullied for as long as I have, you know how to handle it. You stay quiet and act like you don't care. It hasn't exactly worked for me. But it hasn't exactly not worked for me.

"Hey, Al!" Nat greets me as I enter his car. "How was school?" I don't reply, but, it's not like he was actually expecting me to. He sighs, and begins driving back home. "Are people still picking on you?" He asks quietly. I don't say anything again. I keep my eyes glued to the window, watching the streetlights change and observing all the trees. That's probably the only thing that keeps me sane, to be honest.

"Talk to me, Alex." Nat says, looking through his mirror at me in attempt of getting my attention.

"They're horrible," I say softly, not expecting him to hear. I'm surprised when he does.

"They're just jealous." He states.

"Yeah," I say sarcastically. "They're so jealous of the kid with no friends and no self confidence."

"Alex," Nat says. "Keep positive, it's the only way thing's are going to get better."

"Nat, it's been three months. It's not going to get better_. _And I've accepted that. I just wish you would too."

He pulls up outside our apartment and I open the door. "I'll be home later. I'm going to Rosalina's." Again I don't reply. I get out and slam the door shut, pissed out that my brother has once again reminded me of what's going on at school.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay so I know I updated yesterday or the day before, I don't remember, but I wanted to get this chapter up because I love it so much. This is one of the only things I've written that I'm proud of. But please, keep in mind it's 1AM and I am not held responsible for any stupid incorrections I made while writing this. I've read over it a few times, corrected lots of mistakes, but I can't be sure if I've done a good job as I'm sleep deprived. By the way, the italics are memories!**

**Anyways, thank you so much for the reviews, they mean a lot to me and I hope to get lots more in the future! (: I hope you enjoy this chapter and please leave your prediction for what you think is going to happen next in your review!**

_Our lips mold together, her hands getting tangled in my curly hair slowly. Her hot breath tickles my neck, as my palms grow sweatier by the second. She presses our bodies together forcefully, making me grow nervous. Next thing I know, she's—_

"Alex!" Nat screams, snapping me out of my trance.

"What?!" I scream, my head sliding off of my palm and making contact with the table. I groan, getting up from my seat and heading over to the fridge. I open it in search for a tasty snack to eat while studying. Nat begins to talk.

"The guys are coming over in twenty. We're going to discuss something important, so be ready by then, okay?" He informs me.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be ready," I reply, pulling out a carton of milk and a chocolate bar. I walk back over to my seat and continue taking notes and reviewing my studies. I flip the page in my algebra textbook, wanting to get an A without all the hard work.

To be honest, I don't even know why I study anymore. I mean, when she was here she used to get romantic when I got an awesome grade, so I always worked hard. But now that she's gone I really have no reason to. I don't know. Things haven't been making much sense to me since she left. Everything seemed so much easier and better when she was here.

Nat calls me into the living room, and I know the guys are here now. I shut my textbook and make my way to the couch. "Hey guys," I tell everyone in the room, deciding there's too many people to greet them all separately.

"Hey Alex," They reply in monotone.

"So Alex," Rosalina starts. "We need to talk to you."

"Oh no," I say, my eyes widening. "Whatever the Principal called about wasn't me I swear." No one says anything; they just sort of sit there and giggle. Nat decides to speak up soon after.

"Wait what?" He asks. "You got sent to the Principal's office again?"

"Of course not, what would make you think that?"

"You guys," Rosie says. "Discuss this later." Nat nods, shooting me an odd look. "Alex, we're all here for a different reason." I furrow my eyebrows. "Ever since—" Qaasim cuts her off.

"She who shall not be named," He adds in, allowing Rosalina to continue speaking.

"Left, you've been falling apart." I wince, not being able to be told the truth. It's so horrible and I hate it. I've turned into a wreck and I know it, too. I just don't like to admit it. "You're not being treated the same in school, your drum playing is suffering because of it," She pauses, waiting for me to take all this in. "And we care too much about you to continue watching you act like this."

"So, David has something for you." Qaasim says to me, smiling like an idiot. I look at David, a questioning look on my face.

"Now, don't kill me," David says. "But she gave me this before she left." He hands me a small piece of paper. I unfold it slowly and carefully, not wanting to damage it if it's from her. I stare at the slip. I feel myself grow angry.

"You knew?!" I scream at David, tears filling my eyes. "How could you keep this from me?!" I shout, running into my bedroom with the paper. I run to my bed and bury myself under the covers, allowing my tears to fall freely. Not crying just makes me feel worse.

After a few minutes of sitting on my bed with the covers pulled over my face, sleep engulfs me.

And throughout the whole night I have the slip of paper with ten digits messily scribbled onto it in my hand.


	4. Chapter 4

I tapped nervously on my notebook, eyeing the small piece of paper. Those ten digits could save my life. I hold the slip in my hand, making my way over to the couch and telephone. I put the paper down and bite my lip.

What do I say? How do I say it? Do I question her about leaving? Or do I tell her I miss her and that she needs to return? I just don't know.

To be honest, as many times as I wished I had her number, I don't know what I would say. There are no words to describe my feelings towards her. Am I angry? Yes. Am I still in love with her? Of course. But the thing is, those two emotions are so different. Anger and affection are complete opposites. So how can I feel them both towards the same person?

"Hey Alex, what're you doing?" Nat asks me, taking a seat next to me on the couch and turning on the TV by remote.

"Thinking," I reply. I groan and hold my head in my hands. Life is so annoying sometimes.

"About what?" He questions, obviously not interested but is caring enough to ask.

"Her," We sit in silence for a few moments. Nat looks at me.

"Tell her how you feel," He suggests. I look at him. I don't know. I've spent so much time beating myself up about her leaving and when I finally have a chance to hear her sensational voice once more I don't know. I just don't know anymore, man.

He picks up the phone and presses call, handing it to me afterwards. "Here,"

"I-" I stop myself. I sigh, looking down at the floor and pulling my knees up to my chest. "I can't." I whisper.

"How do you feel?" He asks, and for a second I feel like I'm back in that therapist's room. I don't reply, and I think he gets the message that I'm not going to. "Do you feel angry? Sad? Hopeless?" He pushes me into answering.

I nod. "Then tell her that," he places the phone in my hand. "Tell her how you feel. And if you mess up the first time, try again."

"It's not that easy."

"I know it isn't easy. But who said it would be?"

"When did you get so smart?" I ask him, grabbing the slip of paper. He chuckles and continues to watch TV.

"Oh, and remember, 20 seconds of courage." I smile at him, silently thanking him for being so wise.

I get up, the phone and number in hand, and walk into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. "20 seconds of courage," I say to myself. Repeating it to ensure myself everything would be fine if I get dialing the number out of the way. Because when I punch in those ten digits, there's no going back.

I quickly dial the numbers and hold the phone up to my ear. I wait for the rings...one...two...three-"Hi! I can't get to the phone right now, so please leave your name and number and I'll call you back as soon as I can! Thanks, bye!"

I let out a tiny shriek. What am I going to say? I never should've called, why did I think this was a good idea?!

Beep.

Silence.

So much silence.

I feel the lump in my throat go away after realizing I'm wasting my time standing here like an idiot. "Uh-" I take a deep breath. "Hi. This is Alex." What if she's forgotten me? "Alex Wolff, incase you forgot me or something. You were in my homeroom in eight grade?" That sounded more like a question than a statement. "I'm just calling to say that-" beep.

I let out a ragged sigh. I lower the phone from my ear. I continue to stand there minutes after. I'm such an idiot. The only question running through my mind is what is she going to think of me? She's going to think I'm a dork for calling her, even when she specifically said not to. She's going to hate me for being so clingy, and she's going to think I'm desperate because of how nervous I sounded during the call.

I drag a hand through my curls. I lean against the bathroom door and slide down it slowly. Once hitting the floor I curl up into a ball and sit there for what feels like hours. But I know it's just minutes.

Every minute without her feels like a lifetime.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! I'm writing this to inform you that the song Alex is singing in the beginning is NOT his song. It's called Heartbreak Girl by 5SOS (: Alright, enjoy! Also, please note that this chapter includes a delicate subject, so please be warned. In future chapters the subject may be more detailed, but please be aware that it is a touchy, serious subject and you might be a little too young to read this if you're under 12.**

"I dedicate this song to you," I sing softly, pressing down on the piano keys slowly; slowing down the song, unlike the original version. "The one who never sees the truth, that I can take away your heart," I bite my lip. "Heartbreak girl, I hold you tight, straight through the daylight, I'm right here when you gonna realize, that I'm your cure," I sing softly. "Heartbreak girl," I stop playing. I take a deep breath, resting my elbows on the piano keys, creating a horrible noise.

"Nice song," I hear Nat say, coming up behind me. "When'd you write it?" He asks, sitting at the kitchen counter. I put my hand on my forehead.

"Couple months ago," I tell him. He nods, and grabs an apple from the fruit bowl beside him.

"Did she call?"

I pick up the home phone. I go to missed calls: Betty 10/1/11, Betty 10/2/11, Betty 10/3/11, and so on. I shake my head, throwing the phone to the couch. "Probably never will," I mutter.

"Hey," Nat raises her voice, placing his apple down on the counter. He points a finger at me. "Stay positive." I scoff.

"Hey Alex," David says to me. I give him a death glare and open the fridge, searching for a beverage to quench my thirst. "Look, I'm sorry about the number." He stops talking as if he expects me to reply. I grab a bottle of water and shut the fridge. "She told me not to give it to anyone. I didn't even give it to Rosalina, I promise."

"Why did she give it to you?" I question, my voice raised and my tone stern. "Why didn't she give it to me?"

"She left for change, not to be contacted." He says to me. I bite my lip and begin to walk back to my bedroom. I try to ignore David following me, I'm sort of hoping I can get in before him and lock him out. I enter my bedroom, but just to my luck, when I turn around, David is right behind me. "Alex you can't be mad at me, she made me promise not to give it anyone."

"You were close with her?" I ask him. He nods.

"Yeah, super close."

"Did she ever talk about me?"

He stands there sheepishly. He stuffs his hands in his back pockets and shakes his head. "Never?" He shakes his head again. "What didn't she want me to know, David?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." He attempts, but he fails miserably, he knows I won't believe any lies he tells me. David is a terrible liar.

"What was it?" I question. "The jeans everyday? The constant secrets? What didn't she want me to know?!" I shove David, making him bump into the wall.

"It's not my place to tell you,"

"Please," I beg. "She's not going to. She's not even going to call me back."

"I can't, Alex," He says, and he looks sympathetic. "I'm really sorry."

I shake my head, and begin to make my way to the bathroom. "I thought you were my friend," I enter the bathroom and sit on the floor. I don't cry, although it pains me not to. I just sit there for as long as I need to. It's the only type of comfort that helps.

Other than hers.


	6. Chapter 6

"Truth or dare?" David asks me. He's over at my house because his parents are out of town at the moment. He needed a place to stay, and of course Nat offered him my room…

"Truth," I tell him. He nods, shifting his position on his blow up mattress. He thinks for a moment, and groans because he can't think of anything.

"I don't know. Are you a virgin?" He jokes. And I feel my palms grow sweaty. A lump forms in my throat and I can't answer. I can't find the words because god I'm so nervous. "Alex?" He asks, his voice surprised and a little disappointed.

"I—I'm a virgin. Duh. I'm only fourteen, David, g—gosh." I stutter, wincing afterwards because he knows. I paused and he knows now.

"Who?" He asks, his voice louder than before. "And—_when?"_

"Her. And don't tell Nat," I order him. "Please," I beg, pleading him to stay quiet.

"Oh my god," He says softly. "You really did love her." He stands up, his voice becoming unstable now. "I—I need to go to the bathroom." He gives me an awkward side smile and runs into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

He stays in the bathroom for a few minutes. But after he's been in there for ten minutes, I get suspicious. I stand up slowly and cautiously, not wanting to make a sound. I walk to the bathroom and press my ear to the door. I hear his muffled voice.

"_I can't believe you'd do this!"_ He whisper-shouts. "_You had sex with Alex, oh my god."_ He takes a deep breath, taking a second to listen to what the person on the other line has to say. "_I can't believe you. Do you know what you've—yeah I know, S. But he loves you." _

I knock on the door lightly. I can't believe him. He's talking to her. The old nickname, her soft voice… Why is she taking his calls but not mine? I push the door open, not giving him a second to explain himself.

"I'll call you—" He begins to say, but I cut him off.

"I—" I sputter out. "I hate you!" I yell, my throat beginning to hurt. "How could you do this?!" David drops his cell phone and looks at me.

"Alex, wait." He says, but I've already run out the room. "Why won't she talk to me?!" I yell at him. "Does she hate me?" I ask softly.

"Of course not,"

"Then why won't she—"

"It's complicated,"

"Well tell me! I have a right to know. And you know I do." It's silent, and David takes a seat on my bed. He pats the spot down next to him, urging me to sit next to him, which I do.

"I really shouldn't tell you this, because I feel like you won't believe it unless it's coming from her," He takes a deep breath and continues talking. "When she was younger, she used to be bullied for the way she looked." He starts with that. And I truly don't understand because she is _so _beautiful. "And she didn't have anyone to talk to so she started to believe what the kids were telling her,"

"What did they say?" I ask him. Because if he says what I think he's going to I know she did understand.

"Things like: cut yourself, you're an ugly slut… And the kids were so mean, and they just said it with such _hatred._ And so she did." I take in a deep breath. I didn't notice anything before.

I begin to daze off. And I start to remember what happened two months ago…

_I sit there quietly. I tighten my grip around the blade. I grit my teeth, wanting to just have the guts to do it. I bring the blade down to my wrist, not moving it in the slightest. I take a deep breath, and right when I'm about to do it I hear her voice. "It'll get better," She says, sitting down next to me on the floor. She doesn't even try to stop me, which makes me confused. Unless, does she understand? Has she ever been called worthless and ugly? Has anyone ever told her to kill herself?_

_"I know it seems like it won't, but it will," She says and smiles at me. I bring my gaze up to meet her face. I feel my grip on the blade loosen, and before I know it it's fallen out of my grasp. "And you need to remember that their words don't describe you," She reminds me. And I continue to sit there quietly, too afraid to reply. _

_"You are worth it."_


	7. Chapter 7

_I rush into the bathroom and drop my head in my palms. I let out a loud cry and attempt to bite back my tears. However, I fail miserably. I hear a knock at the door. "Alex?" Her voice is close. I grow quiet and muffle my cries. I pick my head up from in my palms when she opens the door. We make eye contact and she looks sad when noticing the cuts on my face. _

_"Oh my god," She says to herself. And I suck in my breath because god do I want to cry so bad. But I need to be strong. For once in my life, I need to be strong. "Alex, what happened?" She crouches down next to the toilet, where I'm sitting. She sounds concerned-upset even. I didn't know she cared about me that much. _

_"School?" She asks, waiting for my reply. But I don't say anything back. She assumes that's what happened and gets up to get a wet towel. Once getting it she presses it to my forehead and I let out a cry, allowing myself to continue crying while she heals my wounds. "Why did they do this to you?" She asks me and I don't reply. I just let my lip tremble and the tears flow. _

_"I wanna die!" I scream, my voice raspy and needing a sip of water. She shushes me in a motherly manner and clears her throat, replying to my sudden outburst afterwards, "No you don't." She tells me, shushing me when my cries grow louder. _

_She cleans the blood from my forehead. She shushes me again, telling me it's okay and that I'm going to be okay. But I don't believe her. Everyday it hurts. Everyday I walk through those hallways, and...and it hurts. I'm tired of everyone shoving me around, and telling me that I should kill myself. Don't they know I want to? But I don't have the guts to which hurts me so bad. _

_She stops cleaning my cut and stays silent for a while. "Stand up," She tells me. I oblige. She brings me to the mirror on the wall. It's not a full body one, it's one where you only see your face. _

_I look at her and she licks her lips. "Look in the mirror," I stare at her for a few moments before moving my gaze towards my reflection. "Now, what do you see?" She asks me. _

_"Me." I reply. _

_"And? What are you?"_

_"Ugly, sad, and stupid."_

_"That's what you are to who?"_

_"Everyone,"_

_"No. Alex, you're wrong. That's who you are to you." She pauses, making eye contact with me through the mirror. "I think you're handsome, smart, and perfect. And that's who you are to me." I look down at her. "And when I look in the mirror," She starts. And I almost lose focus because she is so beautiful when she talks. "To me, I'm hideous, lonely, and bruised." She turns to look me straight in the eye. "What am I to you?" She asks me. _

_We stand in silence for a long time until I finally reply. But what I say is not the answer she's looking for. "Thank you," I snake my arms around her waist. "I love you so much," _

_"I like you too,"_


	8. Chapter 8

"Are you okay?" I'd ask her, and she'd give me a sideways smile and giggle lightly.

"Just tired, that's all," She would reply, and I never understood what she meant by that. But now I do.

She was tired of the pain. Tired of not being enough, tired of getting put down, tired of people calling her names, tired of crying, tired of insecurities, tired of being tired. _Just tired, that's all._

_._

"We want to thank all of you for coming out here today!" Nat shouts to the crowd, smiling. They scream back in reply, obviously excited and overjoyed to be here. "We'll answer some of your questions now!" The crowd goes wild.

"The first question is from Camilla Wasing, row 56. Hello Camilla!" He shouts before continuing. "This question's for Alex," My attention is brought to Nat. My name was said. What's the question?

"Is 'Losing You To The Crowd' based on a real girl?" The question startles me. I never thought I'd be asked about it. Nat walks up to me and hands me the microphone he was using, but instead of answering, my mind begins to wander.

I remember how she used to lay in the sun. I remember how she'd never miss one of my concerts. I remember how she loved wearing my oversized Green Day t-shirts. I remember how she loved sleeping over at my house. I remember how she used to smile all the time. And most of all, I remember how much I need her.

"Alex?" Nat says, shaking my shoulder. "You in there?" I hear the crowd laugh.

I bite my lip, feeling the need to cry. But I can't. Not while I'm on stage. But I keep hearing it…

_You left me in the dark. You left me in the dark. _

She did.

She really did.

"Yeah," I say into the microphone, grabbing it from Nat. "Yeah," I repeat. "There is a girl."

The crowd is silent, probably because it's sad. But even though I didn't get a reaction out of them, I continue to speak. "She was perfectly imperfect," I don't say anything else. I just hand the microphone back to Nat.

.

"Why don't you trust me?!" Nat shouts at me. And I feel tears streaming down my face. "All you ever do is complain and mope around!" He screams. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's true. "But if you don't tell me what's wrong then how do you expect me to help?!" He shouts.

_"Maybe I don't want your help! Did you ever think of that?" She screams at me._

I sit down on my bed and cry loudly. "I'm sorry," I sob as Nat sits down next to me and rubs my back.

"It's my fault, I shouldn't have been so hard on you," He tells me. And for about ten minutes we listen to my sobs. "Maybe we should try the counseling again." He suggests. I look at him and shake my head. "It could help," He gives me a sideways smile, parting his lips to speak once again. "Give it another chance, Al."

.

I bounce my legs up and down in the waiting room chair. I watch as kids are brought into the room fitted for their problems. "Alex Wolff," I hear the woman dressed formerly say to me, and I look up at her, fearing what awaits behind the door made for me. "Over here." She leads me to a small room.

The walls are white, and the room reeks of the stench the doctor's office carries. I cringe as a woman walks through the door and smiles at me. She takes a seat in the desk across the room, whereas I am sitting in a black folding chair.

"Hello, you must be Alex," She says to me, her voice soft and kind. I nod, too shy to reply to her. "I'm Emily Farnstein. Your brother tells me you're stressed out and need to get your mind off some things." I nod at her again. "Alright, well I just have a few questions for you and then we can get right into this," She pauses, arranges some papers on her desk and clears her throat, "How old are you?" She asks me.

"Fourteen," I say quietly. She nods, giving me another friendly smile.

"Why do you think you're here?" She questions me, her voice stern and informative.

"I don't know." I reply. "I guess I have something wrong with me,"

"Having a therapist does not mean there is something wrong with you, Alex." She tells me. "What makes you think that?"

"I dunno," I reply, slowly becoming more comfortable with the lady. "I guess—erm—the walls," I look at them and she follows my gaze. "And the waiting room—" I look down the long hallway. "And your desk—" We both stare at her desk. I get up from my seat and walk towards her desk. "But especially this lamp." I must sound crazy. But what if that lamp didn't want to be a lamp? What if it wanted to be a towel? Or a broom? And now they're in a therapist's room because they attempted to follow their dreams.

"Alright," She laughs lightly. "Take a seat, Alex." I oblige. "What is this girls name?" I feel a lump form in my throat. I can't reply. I wouldn't dare say her name. I won't allow the two syllables to pass through my lips. I simply won't allow it. "Alex? Would you like to keep her name anonymous?" I nod. "If you had to describe her in one word, what would it be?" She asks.

And I don't even hesitate before answering, I spit out my answer as if I've been waiting to be asked this question. "_Beautiful,_"

"Alright. Now speak what your mind has been holding in. I'll give you my opinion, that's what I'm here for."

I nod, and prepare myself for speech. "She had the longest brown hair," I start with that. "And the biggest brown eyes. And the prettiest smile." I say. "She had issues," I chuckle afterwards. "She would never admit it, but I know she did."

"What kind of issues?" Emily asks me, ready to write down my response.

"All of them." I tell her, and I probably sound insane. "She had so many flaws," I say out loud, but more to myself than anybody else. "But I was okay with that." I pause. However I continue to speak a few moments later. "Her—Her dad wasn't the nicest guy, and her mom wasn't the most responsible drinker." I feel tears well up in my eyes and oh god _why am I telling her this? _

"I always felt bad." I swallow my purse my lips, attempting to hold back my tears. "She loved poetry," I started, changing the subject to get my mind off her family. "She would always write poems for her enjoyment. A-And she made me feel so special because she dedicated some to me." I laugh at this; I'm such a dork.

I look at Emily to see she's smiling while writing. "I feel like I'm in a tangled web and that I'm never going to move on," I admit. "I want to move on." I say.

And even though some part of me feels she's going to come back; the smarter part of me begs to differ.


	9. Chapter 9

"You did what?!" I scream, watching as David flinches. "Oh my god, he's going to _kill me._" My eyes widen and I start to feel nervous.

"He's not going to kill—" He starts.

"No, David, you don't get it. _He's actually going to kill me._ Oh my god." I say to myself. I bang my head on the wall, repeating it until my head hurts so bad I have to stop.

"I'm sorry. It just sort of—" He tries to explain himself, but I cut him off.

"How does the topic of sex _just sort of _come up?!" I shout at him. I then rub my forehead—the pain I've created is almost unbearable. "Why would you tell Nat?" I ask him, my voice soft. "I never should've told you," I whisper.

"He promised he wouldn't tell anybody,"

"No, David, this is _Nat _we're talking about. He's got the biggest mouth I know!"

"But this is different!" He says to me. I sigh, sitting back down on my bed.

"What did he say?" I ask after a few silent moments.

David licks his lips before replying, "Do you really want to know?"

_I am so screwed._

_- After school, the following day -_

I walk through the front door of our apartment, my palms sweaty. Nat just called me saying he wanted to talk, and I _really_ hope it isn't about the sex thing. I look around the living room to see him sitting on the couch. "Hey, man," I say to him, sitting down next to him. "What's up?" If you can't tell, I'm trying to play it off like I don't know what he's going to talk about.

"Hey." He says, pausing to decide what he's going to say. "How you feeling?" He asks after a while. Well, at least he's not talking about the sex incident.

"Pretty good," I reply, giving him a small smile.

"I know you're lying,"

"I'm not lying, I'm good. I—I'm fantastic!" I say, smiling widely.

"Okay, cut the shit." He parts his lips to speak. "Why do you do it?"

"Why do I do wha—"

"I found this in your room," He takes something from the coffee table and holds it up for me. I get a clear view of what it is. It's my blade. My eyes widen and I grow nervous. I feel a lump grow in my throat and suddenly—

"That's not mine," I tell him.

"What do you mean it's not yours, I know it is!" He shouts. He's growing angry, he's tried to keep his temper to a minimum but I know he's going to lash out on me any second. "Let me see your wrists," He orders me.

"Why do you need to see my wrists? There's nothing wrong with my—"

"Alex, _wrists now._" I hold them out for him to see. He looks disappointed when he sees the one mark made on my left arm. "Oh my fucking god," He mutters, throwing my wrists back in my lap. "Do you know how much worse other people have it? And here you are complaining and moping around and—and cutting yourself!" Nat shouts at me. "Just shut up for once! I hear you crying, okay?!" I look him in the eye. "And I'm sorry you cry _every single night_, but—" He pauses, shaking his head. "—this is just unbelievable. She's _not _coming back, Alex. Get it through your head."

I actually can't believe him. He's acting like I'm being a baby, and whenever he's been upset _do you know what I did_? I comforted him when no one else would. I thought he'd do the same…guess I was wrong. He exits the room and I bite my lip, holding back the tears. He enters once again and points a finger at me.

"Shouldn't have had sex with her," He says to me, and then he turns around and leaves to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.


	10. Chapter 10

_"I won't stop, I won't stop today or tomorrow. You'll have to, you'll have to sit in my sorrow…" I press play on my ipod. I look at her. "What'd you think?" _

_"I liked it," She smiles at me. _

_"I—" I scratch the back of my neck. "I wrote another song, too." I admit, feeling more blush rise to my already red cheeks. "It's about you." She smiles, looking down at her lap and brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Do you want to hear it?"_

_She giggles and looks me in the eye. She nods. And I smile; nervous to finally being able to play her the song I've been keeping a secret for a week. I get up and grab my guitar, sitting down once ready. _

_"You're obviously the star of the class…"_

- Nat and Alex Wolff -

I finish eating my cereal and put my backpack over my shoulder. I leave the apartment without saying bye to anyone. Nat's been treating me like shit ever since he lashed out on me, and my dad doesn't even know what's going on.

I hop on the subway quickly, just wanting to get to school already. Bet you're wondering why I want to go to school all of a sudden. Well, the sooner I get to school, the closer I am to coming home. I sit down in an empty seat and stay quiet the whole ride there.

I stare straight ahead at the girl sitting across from me. She's reading _The Catcher And The Rye. _That was _her_ favorite book. The girl notices me looking at her and smiles at me, then goes back to her reading. I look at my lap and don't look up until my name is called, several minutes later.

"Alex!" A bully from my school shouts. I look up at him and my eyes widen. He sits next to me and his "crew" follows. They all crowd around me and suddenly I feel very claustrophobic. I start to breath heavily and I shove them all aside. I stand up to catch my breath, but one of them trips me. I land on the subway floor with a thud and glance up at them. Quickly, I scramble to my feet and run towards the exit. However, the door hasn't opened because we haven't reached the destination yet.

I turn around and see them running after me. I begin to bang on the door and shout, "Open!" But it's too late. I'm on the floor and they're kicking and punching and—

"Leave him alone!" The girl reading the book shouts. I glance up at her and bite my lip to keep from crying. The boys stop hurting me and I clutch my stomach, as if that'll fix the pain. The bullies run out of the subway cart and I squeeze my eyes shut. "Why did they do that?" She asks, kneeling down next to me. She looks sympathetic. She raises a hand at me and brings it close to my back and I wince, preparing myself for her hit. "I'm not going to hurt you," She tells me. She gives me a kind smile and I look back down at the floor.

"What's your name?" She asks, trying to lighten to mood. "I'm Bailee." I look up at her to see her face a few inches away from mine. I scramble away from her and press my back up against the seats.

"I'm Alex," I manage to say, and I notice how raspy and low my voice sounded right then.

"Hi Alex, do you need help getting up to sit in a chair?" I nod and she holds out her hand for me to take. "Thanks," I say to her, as she helps me into a seat. Once sitting down, I drag my hand across my lip, where I'm sure there's a bruise forming. I look at my hand and see blood, but I'm not surprised.

"Why did those boys beat you up?" Bailee asks, looking straight ahead at the empty seats across of us.

"For fun," I reply.

"Why, though? Why you?" She stares at me with a questioning look in her eyes. I think about it for a moment. Why _do _they pick on me?

"I dunno," I say to her. "I guess I'm an easy target." She nods.


	11. Chapter 11

"So," Bailee says to me. "What school do you go to?" She asks me. I smile at her before replying.

"Brooklyn Friends," I tell her, and she nods. "You?" I ask, watching as her gaze moves from her shoes onto me.

"PCS," She smiles. And suddenly I become very happy. I'm applying to PCS for high school, and if I'm lucky enough maybe I'll get into it so we can go to school together! I don't know why, but some of my hurt is gone. I think just knowing that someone actually stood up for me gave me some kind of reassurance.

"I'm applying to their high school. Will you be going there next year, too?" I ask her. She nods, her expression becoming happier than before. "Cool," It's silent for a while. However to keep it from being awkward I say something. "Is it a good school?" I ask. She nods. "Is everyone nice?" I ask again, she giggles and nods again. "Do you have bullies?" I ask softly. She shakes her head.

"Not that I know of," I smile at her, silently screaming because not only did I like PCS when I toured it but there aren't any bullies. My hell will be over by the time I go to high school. I'll be happy again and I won't even remember—

I grow sad, because next year _she_'s not going to be there. But nonetheless, I've made a new friend. And if I'm lucky enough maybe we'll get to go to school together. I know for a fact I am _not _going to the Friends High School. I don't need to be stuck with those bullies for another four years.

- Nat and Alex Wolff -

_"Look in the mirror and love what you see," She says to me. "Don't look at your flaws, your 'imperfections.' Focus on what makes you a good person," She stares at her reflection. She drags her hands across her hips and across her stomach. "It's hard." She says, however I think it's more to herself than to me. "But you have to try. You need to love yourself before you love anyone else," She turns to me, dropping her hands to her sides._

_"You don't love me," She announces, staring back at me. "You think you do, but you don't." I shake my head, silently disagreeing with her. _

_"I do,"_

_"No you don't." She says, giggling. "Do you love yourself?" She asks me. And I look in the full body mirror on the wall. My hair's too curly, I need to lose a couple of pounds, and I have the biggest bags under my eyes… "Well?"_

_I shake my head. I'm only being honest. I don't like what I see. Hell, I hate what I see. "Then how do you expect others to accept you, if you don't even accept yourself?"_

**A/N: Hey guys! Just wanted to tell you I have another Alex story up, and you should go read and review it! Thanks so much! Here's the link: s/9781046/1/Wonderwall**


	12. Chapter 12

I walk into school with my head hung low. I take a deep breath and walk towards my locker. I put my combination in it and exchange a few books, then I slam it shut and turn on my heel. I walk into homeroom and sit down in my assigned seat. I exhale and drop my head in my palms. I don't get up. I don't make any sounds. I just sit there and think.

Three years of constant pain. A—And I don't know if I can take it anymore.

I can't take the constant name calling and the physical abuse and the way they make my self esteem even lower than it already is, I—I can't take it anymore, god dammit.

My breathing thickens and I take a deep breath in attempt to calm myself down. I catch my breath and lay my head on the desk. "Alex?" I hear my homeroom teacher. , say to me. I lift my head off my desk and look at her.

"Yes?"

"Could you come here for a moment?" I nod and make my way over to her at a slow pace. Once reaching her she sits down at her desk and sighs. "How are you feeling?" I blink. Why is she even asking?

"I'm good," I reply, rubbing my eyes afterwards. "W—Why do you ask?" I question her.

"Ever since transferred out of school you've seemed a little down," She says to me, and I'm so glad she didn't use her first name. It's hard enough to hear her last name, but to hear her first name—it would be _so _painful. I can't be reminded of how much she hated her name. How could someone so perfect think differently?

"No, I'm fine." I scratch the back of my neck, blinking again after. "I've been good," She nods and smiles. "Thank you for asking ,"

"You're free to go back to your seat now," She says. I nod and smile at her before walking back to my seat and sitting down.

- Nat And Alex Wolff -

I walk out of school and begin to walk towards the subway station. However, just to my luck, my school bullies are following me. Once half a block away from our school, they hold me against the side of an apartment building. "Leaving so fast, are we?" Jordan says to me, and I feel my palms grow sweaty. "Somewhere to go?"

"Leave me alone," I say quietly. They tighten their grip on me, and I swear they're starting to cut off my circulation. One punch in the stomach and I'm already starting to see double. Another one and I'm on the ground. Now come the kicks. Their feet go in and out of my stomach, kicking harder than the time before.

I never thought I could want to die so badly.

"Kill yourself, asshole." Max, the biggest one, snickers. "Nobody will miss you anyway." The others agree. They all high five eachother as I clutch my stomach to fight back the tears. "Definitely not Sa—"

"Don't say it," I plead. Tears are now flowing out my eyes and down my swollen cheeks.

"Yeah, little fag doesn't like to be reminded of his first and _only _girlfriend." Jordan says. "Have fun in hell, Alex." They all laugh loudly and leave me on the ground to suffer. I stand up as fast as I can and wipe the blood from my nose.

That's it. I—I can't take it anymore. I'm so done. I—I hate it. I hate it more than anything in the world and I want to _die._ I want to die so bad. "I wanna die," I mutter to myself quietly, as my sobs die down. "I wanna die," I repeat.

What is there for me here? Every breath I take is another minute I spend in my own personal hell _and I hate it._ Three years of this constant shit and I've finally had enough. Nat doesn't seem to like my pain and neither do I. I'd be better off dead.

**I'd be better off dead.**

**_I'd be better off dead._**


	13. Chapter 13

"God dammit, call Bailee!" Nat shouts at David. "Alex open the door!" He continues to bang on the door and shout through his tears.

"Nat calm down, everything will be okay," Rosalina says to him, shushing him when his cries become too loud. "Alex, open up!" She tries, however it's no use. They think Alex has decided on it. What they don't know is that he's just sitting on his bed not wanting to do it but he feels it's the only way.

"S!" David shouts into his phone. "Are you almost here?" He asks, worried. "Well try and get out of the traffic!" David is almost in tears, too. Rosalina is the only one managing to not shed a tear. "Call him," He says, his voice realizing everything. "I don't care you have to call him right now!" He groans, rubbing his teary eyes.

- Alex's POV -

I sit on my bed with the pills in my hand. I want to do it. I—I really do. But I don't know if I can. I don't hear anything outside my door, but I'm sure everyone is out there. Not that they care about little old me, though. Probably just watching a movie, thinking everything is all right and that I'm not hurting inside.

I—I hurt so much.

I look down at the label on the pills. _Do not consume more than two pills in less than an hour_. Guess it's okay to break this one rule.

Everyone at school will be happy. My dad and Nat won't have to listen to the shit I complain about, and watch me cry. It'll be good for everyone. But…

I don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop.

I chuckle to myself. She was right. I don't want to die. No matter how much pain I'm put through. I—I don't want to die. I—I'm scared. I'm scared of death. And it's finally occurring to me that I can't do this to myself.

I hear my phone ring and look to my right, where it lies. I pick it up. The number hasn't been registered in my phone, so I have absolutely no clue who it is. I lift the cell phone to my ear and sniffle before speaking, "Hello?" I say to the other line. It's silent for a few moments, but then the person on the other line speaks.

"You sound so different," She tells me, and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I use the back of my sweater to wipe them away. I don't reply; just let her listen to my soft sobs. "I've missed you." She says to me, the slightest giggle escaping her probably sugar sweet lips.

"I—I've missed you, too." I say, dropping my gaze from the wall to the floor. I begin to sob louder than before, but I throw my hand over my mouth, muffling my cries.

"Hey, Alex?" I hear her whisper. And I don't reply because I know she knows I heard. "Open the door," I drop the phone on my bed and look towards my bedroom door. I get up slowly, not knowing if she's joking or not. I walk at a normal pace. Once reaching the door I open it cautiously.

There she is.

Jeans and all.

I run into her arms and she rests her head on my chest because I'm at least four inches taller than her. "I can't believe you're here," I sob, and she squeezes me tighter, indicating that she's happy to see me, too. She sniffles as I cradle her head, not wanting to let go ever.

"I've missed you so much, Samsen."


End file.
